Dona Cullen Integrative Family Law
Marriage requires constant peacemaking — that is, “processing differences in a way that results in continual resolution.” Some of my favorite books are by Willard Harley on Marriage Builders and another by Larry Stallman entitled The Marital Arts. Both describe a very essential component of marriage: the ability to negotiate. That means to know what your interests are and those of your spouse; to try to meet those interests; and to continually make tacit and real agreements. It’s constant bargaining.
Therefore it makes sense that a mediator can help bring light to the necessity of negotiation, teach negotiation skills and act as a facilitator when necessary to help couples come to agreement. Doing so early and often just might make a marriage successful and avoid divorce.
For couples who are considering separation or divorce, related information can be found on the Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce pages.
In this manner peacemakers as mediators can:
Help couples resolve ongoing specific disputes and negative recurring interactions.
Analyze communication and train couples to have more productive styles of negotiation.
Help couples uncover differences in financial behaviors, and bring light to and mutual understanding of financial realities.
Show couples what would likely happen in the event of divorce.
Normalize conflict in marriage, train in the steps of interest-based negotiation and provide a recipe for peacemaking in the family.
Some couples also explore Postmarital Agreements as tools for clarifying expectations and strengthening communication.
Mediation can also be used to facilitate the making of agreements after marriage, perhaps to outline what would happen in the event of divorce. They could be used to memorialize agreements made in connection with behavioral modification or financial planning or a myriad of things that help a relationship move forward with less fear and mistrust.
Having a witness to your agreement; making commitments with accountability and consequences; and agreeing about how things would look if divorce is the consequence sometimes frees couples to do the work required by being in relationship.
Couples addressing financial behaviors or planning may also benefit from a neutral review, described on the Financial Analysis page.
If couples want to separate for a while, are not ready to divorce and want agreements for managing assets, income and debt, and children’s issues, a separation agreement can be negotiated to cover those issues. This can either be filed with the court as a formal legal separation or not. Under many circumstances the agreement can become the divorce settlement agreement if the couple decides to go ahead with divorce.
If reconciliation becomes unlikely, the Divorce Mediation page outlines how mediated agreements can support a respectful transition.
Most often we find that the first time couples really look at finances from the viewpoint of budgets and planning is at the start of a divorce. Financial problems and disagreements are very often what causes those couples to divorce.
Looking at finances together with a neutral, with both parties fully informed, understanding the cost of living and actual after-tax income and doing some planning is like having a health check up on a regular basis. It makes you feel better to be out of the dark and will likely lead to a longer and healthier life together.
More details on financial neutrality can be found on the Financial Analysis page.
There is now a discrete form of couples counseling for a set period of meetings to explore whether or not the couple wants to pursue reconciliation. It's best done with a counselor who has been trained in this type work.
A peacemaker will make recommendations for this and other relevant coaching and counseling, including meeting with a child specialist. Additional resources about her approach to family conflict can be found on the Integrative Approach page.
Mediators help with planning for other family issues including caring for family members with special needs, elder care and probate and estate planning concerns. A neutral facilitator who has a network of providers with expertise in various areas can be a great asset to a family for planning, conflict resolution and conflict prevention.
If these issues arise during a divorce or separation, related information is also discussed in Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce.