We tune out for a lot of reasons. Boredom, stress, lack of time, anger, sadness, disappointment, fear - all make us tend to tune out.
But what we really want to do is tune in - tune in to the heart, our core, our peace and calm and courage. We want to tune in to the frequency and resonance at the core of our being.
It’s our birthright. We all have that calm, loving space inside. We just have to tune out the noise to hear it and feel the rhythm, that loving vibration, the wisdom and caring that defines who we really are. We need the tuning fork, the tuned instrument to play our music.
How does this apply to divorce?
One of the first things I do with couples who wish to settle their divorce collaboratively or in mediation is help them tune in to themselves, each other and the needs of each member of the family.
- We gather all the information first, without agenda. Just collecting the relevant information and data about assets and debts and values and budgets and income, income potential, housing and work.
- Then all of that information is poured into simple reports - an asset/ deficit spreadsheet and cash flow budgets. This takes into account income and expenditures - now and anticipated in two households; the value of assets and any encumbrances of associated debts; retirement assets and investment accounts that are resources for life planning and growth; and the housing needs for the future based on financial realities and the best interest of all. Think about when you want to retire and how you want to educate your children.
- With those simple reports in hand it’s now important to tune in to the heart to envision what you want the future to look like and how that will feel. This is motivating for most couples. It’s not always sad. You’ve probably been thinking about this for years and have finally gotten up the courage or found the best time to actually make it happen. No one makes the decision to divorce lightly and by the time the decision is made, there is no turning back for most people.
- Tuning in to connect with your heart and create a vision that feels good for the future will inspire you to move on. And you want the same for the other person. Settlement will be so much easier if both parties are in the heart, tuning in.
- Radiating care from that place of attunement, it’s easier to want the best for the other person and to listen with an open heart to the needs of that person and their vision and dreams, what’s important to them.
- Next both of you brainstorm ways to make those visions a reality for yourself, the other, your children and extended family. Focusing inward and resonating at the heart level, at your core of calm, will make everyone around you feel better, including your children and extended family. To be able to do this in the face of hurt, perhaps betrayal, loneliness and fear, is the consummate gift for yourself and others around you, those you care about the most.
- When considering options you look for what’s best for yourself and the whole. So an open heart and loving resonance continues to be important.
- Once the decisions are made there is a commitment to follow through with positive energy and inspiration. You have given yourself the space and time to dream about a future and then manifest it with tools and resources made apparent by our work together.
This can actually be transformative. But it can only be that way if you first tune in to your authentic self, that place of peace and love. The mind focuses on differences, comparisons, judgments and divisions. The heart is the bridge across the divide.
“The mind creates the abyss, and the heart crosses it." -- Sri Nisargadatta
