Dona Cullen Integrative Family Law
I wrote a blog in January of 2020 on this subject. You can find it in the archives. It pretty well described how resilience can be achieved, through bringing your attention to your heart, finding more positivity, self- love and relief from the suffering. But it did not answer the question of how it changes the divorce experience.
People come to mediation with the hope they can have an amicable divorce. That’s much more likely if they have or can develop resilience. I help them with that. Resilience can be trained. It’s the ability to prepare for, recover from and adapt in the face of stress, challenge and adversity. Resilience creates energy and positivity.
If you’re new to my process, you can learn more about my integrative approach to family conflict resolution here:
Integrative Approach
Resilience is not a gift we’re born with. What’s more common is that people naturally have a negativity bias. Many of us unconsciously assume a worst-case scenario, all the time, for every uncertainty. That’s a self-protective mechanism built into the primitive part of our brain, which is always scanning for danger. It was a necessary tool when we were hunter-gatherers.
Built into the divorce mediation process, at least as I practice it, is to identify what resilience is and help clients start to build the capacity for it to grow and remain alive for them to come back to on a regular basis. Thus, in order to prepare for the divorce mediation process, one is advised to have a practice to identify and rely upon and that is to build resilience. I call this the inner work.
If you’d like support in building resilience during this time, you can read more about my resilience & coaching work here:
Resilience Coaching
If you quiet your mind and bring your attention to your body, slowly, deeply and calmly breathing for a few moments, and then think about the truth of that worst case scenario assumption, you will probably start to question it, especially if you prefaced that thinking with a generative feeling of happiness or appreciation. When you do that, you experience a state of openness which allows you to think from different perspectives. You relax, loosen up enough to be able to step back and see the big picture. If you can do that, you yourself become larger and more spacious. This is your conscious awakened self. You are in a state of pure potentiality and peace. You get there through your heart and settle in the gut. You get there through meditation, whether formal or informal. Some experience this as their larger self, seeing your life from a third person perspective, from a higher dimension. We can all do that. Conflict tightens. Space loosens so you can think rationally and feel spacious and appreciative. Dare I say, lovingly. Just take a few deep breaths.
Stu Webb, the founder of Collaborative Law discovered that it’s all love. When you’re coming from a place of love you can think of options which will take care of everyone. That’s compassion and it’s a strength that builds resilience. From that place you can make an amicable divorce settlement which will serve you and your family in the best way possible. And you will also be healthier. It’s a win-win.
If you’re interested in a non-adversarial alternative to litigation, you can learn more here:
Creating a resilient attitude is just the background for our work in the divorce mediation process. It’s the first thing we cover when I ask why you chose mediation and what your goals are for the process. Almost always the first goal clients express is to be non-adversarial and to have a peaceful process.
The second step is to gather all the information in a cooperative and transparent way. I provide a list of forms to fill out and statements to provide. This includes information forms with narratives about you and your family. I enter the financial information into Family Law Software to create simple, understandable financial reports – property (assets and liabilities) and cash flow (budgets).
For more about my financial support services:
Financial Analysis
All along and throughout the process I will be encouraging you to ask yourself what you value most and to think about a future which incorporates those closely held values. This will help you know what you really want and need to fill out that vision. It will energize and make you even excited about your future because you’re thinking about the things you really love and want to make possible for yourself. Resilience begins and ends with self-love. Taking care of yourself and your true needs will inspire you to take care of others as well and find the strength and enjoyment that comes from compassion and generosity.
At the first meetings we discuss the financial reports, educating you on the possibilities and responsibilities you are endowed with. From this you’ll be invited to share your values, the things you care most about and your dreams for the future for yourself and the others. And from that we think about options to meet those needs as closely as possible. You will be heard and you will be listening. These options will incorporate property settlement and cash flow issues like spousal and child support.
If you have children, they will also be heard. The parents are encouraged to have at least one consultation with a child specialist. Education is shared in the divorce mediation process about what to look for and how to provide support for the children and their individual needs. In addition, each county court requires completion of its’ parent education class.
The options created will be considered and tested for feasibility and if they bring you closer to your goals. From there you decide together what options to choose based on a realistic picture of what’s possible to meet your long and short term goals.
To understand what mediation looks like from start to finish, visit:
Divorce Mediation
None of this is easy, and does require meeting challenges for your resilience, ability to keep your spirits up, seeing the possibilities and not dwelling on the past. And, at least starting on the road to healing with that as your goal. You can be assisted by divorce coaches and transition specialists as well to support you and affirm a healing process is possible. All of this is to support and validate your resilience.
You will also be encouraged to meet with your own attorneys on an as-needed basis. This is suggested for support, validation, thorough consideration and reassurance. Consulting attorneys can be helpful with ideas if we are stuck on an issue. Attorney consultation can help calm anxiety about outcome or add confidence for speaking up about your ideas.
All the while you are gaining experience in tackling conflict together and building resilience by watching the conflict fade as you find the space to consider and express your dreams and what you care most about, while at the same time listening and being heard.
In my experience, the settlements come forth quickly because the space has been set to welcome and encourage resilience and health. Once the decisions on options have been made, then clients commit to those terms by signing the judgment and other documents required to file the case under Oregon divorce law. The case is filed and processed through the court to the judge’s signature, making the divorce final and the terms a matter of law.
Not only does this result in an amicable divorce, but one that results in considerable growth, learning and transformation, individually and collectively. And the clients are more capable of true happiness. That comes from their own inner work and expansion – resilience.
I have been a lawyer for over for over 45 years, a judge, a mediator from the beginning of mediation and a student of peacemaking for over 30 years. It’s my passion. I was certified as a Peacemaking Practice Trainer by Forrest “Woody” Mosten in 2016; as a resilience trainer and coach in HeartMath® in 2018 & 2020; and as a Compassion Based Resilience Trainer by the Nalanda Institute in 2025. I have studied with master mediators and peacemakers Forrest “Woody” Mosten, Ken Cloke, Gary Friedman, William Ury, Thomas Hubl and many others.
More about my background can be found here:
About Dona
Give me a call if you want to know more. I offer a free consultation about process options. I’m excited to meet you and get you started on a path to growth, understanding and peace.
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