What is Forgiveness?

Excerpts from Mediating Dangerously by Ken Cloke
Forgiveness is not only a result, but a process of letting go of the past and opening to the future, of reclaiming energy from events we do not need in our lives, and of accepting ourselves more fully. It is a way of releasing ourselves from the past, from the burden of our own false expectations, and from the pain we have experienced at the hands of others. It is a release from judgment including our judgments of ourselves.
Forgiveness does not mean we agree with what the other party did, or that what they did was right, or that we should excuse their actions. It means separating forgivable people from unforgivable actions. Forgiveness does not mean we can change what happened or erase what was done. What's done is done. All we can do is release ourselves from continuing to suffer for what happened to us in the past and dedicate ourselves to making sure that it does not happen in the future.
Forgiveness is not something we do for someone else, but to free ourselves from unhealthy pain, anger and shame. Anger gives the appearance of being powerful, but leaves us feeling frustrated and powerless. Forgiveness appears weak, but leaves us feeling stronger and less vulnerable to others. Forgiveness is a gift to our own peace of mind, our self-esteem, our relationships with others and our future. It frees us from entanglement in the past. It helps us reestablish control over our lives by letting go of unpleasant things in the past and frees us to move in more positive directions.
Forgiveness cannot be forced or coerced, but can only be given freely. Each of us has the power to do so independently of others. It is a choice, and it is within our control. By not forgiving the person who wronged us we continue to inflict the pain they caused on ourselves.
Forgiveness is a personal choice that requires us to take responsibility for our actions and feelings. It requires us to be responsible to and for ourselves, even for our own continued pain and humiliation. It means being responsible for the choices we make, including anger and releasing ourselves from anger. It means taking back the responsibility and power we have given to someone else for our feelings.
Anger links us through a negative bond with the person we cannot forgive. When we cannot forgive, the other person remains, haunting our thoughts. A single memory or sight of them can throw us off balance or spark an addictive response. By refusing to forgive them, we are controlled by them as we would have been if we had never left their side. Forgiveness leads to release from being controlled negatively by the image of them that we have internalized.
Beyond forgiveness lies the possibility of reconciliation, which is the point at which the conflict comes full circle and is actually completely ended. This last phase of the resolution process takes place after the fighting has ceased, the issues have been settled, and the other person has been forgiven. Reconciliation means being able to be in the other person's presence without a twinge of anger or discomfort.
Forgiving the other does not end the process. Everyone in conflict needs to forgive themselves. People who are deeply angry at others are also angry that they tolerated disrespectful or painful behavior, so they turn their anger against themselves. For conflict to be transcended, it must be let go of at both ends, and in the middle as well. Even when forgiveness and reconciliation occur, they need to be reinforced and supported by others, and by the culture of the family and relationship.
We are never the same once we have been harmed or injured and we are never the same once we have reached forgiveness and reconciliation. Part of what makes forgiveness dangerous is that when we understand the other person, and the parts of ourselves that shame us, we are forced to surrender our identity as victims. In its place, we find identity as people who have transcended anger and the conditions that created it.