APOLOGIES
Apologies: “Managing the Ebb and Flow of Trust” from The Good Karma Divorce by Judge Michelle Lowrance The act of apology is a highly effective technique for dealing with conflict situations. It serves us and it lubricates our interactions with others equally. Apology does not necessarily include asking for forgiveness or forgiving others. The act of making apology is merely a way of taking responsibility for a harm we may have inflicted on another. It’s a chance to evaluate our own imperfect behavior. Taking responsibility gives you power. When you take some responsibility (however minor) for your actions, you loosen the grip that being a victim of someone else’s behavior may have on you. As that person loses power, you assume greater control. When you feel victimized, you give the other party power. How is it possible that we haven’t been wrong somewhere, at some point? We all worry about losing credibility when we admit we are wrong, but with apologies we actually gain credibility. People are more likely to trust you. And it can be contagious. Two reasons for apologies: (1) To grease the skids of the relationship and to build trust; and (2) To allow yourself to detach from the relationship completely and with dignity by owning up to whatever you did. This results in a clean break without attachment. You cut the cord of responsibility in a situation that has kept you tied to the other person. Now you are free to detach or to construct a new, positive interaction untainted by the destructive routines of the past. Apologies are Powerful You are not giving up power when you apologize. You are getting it. If you apologize, it feels to the receiver as though you are detaching from the fray. If the other person wants to continue, he/she must reach a higher level that is not about rehashing your old offenses. Apologies and forgiveness involve the same issue: your energies are tied up in the other person. Apologies and forgiveness are vehicles that move energy out of a stagnant, negative state and remodel your connection with another person, even if it is detachment. Anger and resentment drain the psyche and emotional reserves. Forgiveness and apology mark the route toward ending these negative energy patterns and offer us a way of keeping severe energy depletion from becoming a chronic emotional state. Transformational Warm-ups
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